


I wouldn't kiss that if I were you

by megyal



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Crack, Fairy Tales, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-31
Updated: 2008-03-31
Packaged: 2017-10-28 10:39:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megyal/pseuds/megyal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kisses and frog-princes. A typical FOB day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wouldn't kiss that if I were you

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the spittingink@LJ prompt of 'frog'.

Once upon a time, in the middle of the night when the band had a rare night off on the road, Joe said, "Patrick. You gotta come over here."

Patrick pulled the phone away from his ear and blinked at it, feeling owlish. The display cheerfully informed him that it was very early in the morning, Too Early For This Shit; Patrick pressed the end button and went back to his beloved, blessed sleep.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depends on if one likes one's sleep as much as Patrick, Joe called him again.

"Did you just hang up on me? This is an _emergency_. You don't hang up on Friends with Emergencies."

"Are you dying?" Patrick asked hoarsely.

"Well, no--"

Patrick hung up again. The next thing he knew, all the lights in the bus were blazing and Joe was hovering over him with a funny expression on his face and a frog in his arms. Andy was standing at the door, scratching at his beard.

"I don't even want to know what you're going to do with that frog." Patrick pulled his pillow over his head, the pillow that kind of smelled like Pete, probably from that time he had invaded Patrick's room and wallowed on the bed in a burst of affectionate activity. That had been some fun times. Pete rarely did that anymore.

He felt a light weight settle on his chest and removed the dark haven of the pillow to stare in shock at Joe's frog sitting quite still on his red t-shirt. It stared back at him with a mournful expression.

"Get your fucking frog off me," Patrick said in a tight voice. "This is gross. Oh my god."

"It's not a frog, technically, it's a toad," Joe lectured sternly. "An Eastern Green Toad, if you want to be exact. If you want to be even more exact, that is not exactly a toad, but Pete. If we want to split hairs about the whole thing."

"Wow, am I ever glad I'm edge," Andy said with a mild yawn and scratched at his belly.

Patrick continued to glare at the smallish toad on his chest. It was a bright green, with a paler underbelly and black markings. Patrick put out a hand and poked at it gingerly, grimacing. The toad did not budge.

Instead it said, in Pete's voice: "Ouch. That hurt, you shit."

When all the yelling and screaming ended, where Patrick calmed down to locate a hat under the bed and Andy stopped laughing long enough to find a small box for Pete, Joe said: "And you thought I was smoking some crazy stuff, right? Seriously, guys. Seriously."

* * *

"Is this some sort of girlfriend initiation?" Ashlee said suspiciously as they peered down at the toad sitting contentedly in the tiny sink of the bus. "Because, um. We've been dating for awhile. I'm established enough to be on tour with you guys. It's a little late for jokes, you know?"

"Just kiss the toad," Patrick hissed. Andy was laughing his head off in the lounge. "We need our bass-player. Toads don't have opposable thumbs."

"I have this thing here," Pete said mildly, raising his back leg. He was taking being an amphibian fairly well. Patrick suspected that Pete thought this was a very lucid dream. "I might be able to pluck with this. On a baby bass."

"Why do _I_ have to kiss it?" Ashlee complained, ignoring the toad. "I mean, where is this written?"

"You never heard the fairy tale?" Joe paused the game he was playing with Andy, which wasn't being played well anyway, since Andy was literally rolling on the floor with mirth. Joe kicked him in the ribs. "You know, where the princess has to kiss the frog to return the prince to his human form?"

"You know, I've heard this version where the princess has to throw the frog against the wall," Andy said, eyes shining with tears of hilarity behind his glasses. "Maybe you should throw the toad."

"Maybe she should kiss the toad first," Pete said with mild alarm. "I feel that this toady body would not be up to the throwing. Yeah, I'm thinking about it a lot and I don't think so."

"Shush," Patrick told Pete. "Nobody is throwing any toads around here. But if we could get to the kissing, I think you might turn back."

"I'm not going to kiss the toad," Ashlee said firmly. She pursed her lips as Patrick glared at her. "You can give me nasty looks all you want! I'm _not_ kissing it."

" _Throw_ it, _throw_ it," Andy chanted and Joe kicked him again.

"I don't like being a frog-toad-thing," Pete declared mournfully as Patrick and Ashlee bickered furiously over his head. "I think I want some coffee, but with some kind of fly as sweetener. Is that gross? It sounds good to me."

"You're a selfish girlfriend," Patrick spat. "If I was Pete's girlfriend, I'd kiss him. It's only the right thing to do!"

"Fine!" Ashlee yelled, and grabbed at Pete, who croaked in displeasure. She shoved his small green body at Patrick's face, yelling, "Since you're all so eager about kissing frogs, YOU do it!"

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on the angle one was looking at, Ashlee's hands went a bit too far and one toad mouth met with one set of singer's lips. Patrick gagged and spat, staggering back as he wiped his hands over his mouth. Ashlee stood there with her arms around Pete's waist; a fully human Pete who was standing nude in the middle of the lounge.

"Oh, my god!" Andy screamed in impish delight. "Penis again! Get the camera!"

"Yeah," Pete said in a considering and still-croaking voice. Ashlee peeped over his shoulder, squinting at Patrick, who glared back as he scrubbed at his mouth with some dishwashing liquid. "That wasn't a dream, was it."

"You know what this means?" Joe said brightly as Andy fumbled with the camera on his Sidekick. "Patrick is a princess."

"Fuck. Off," Patrick snapped and threw Pete a hand-towel to cover his crotch with. "Just, this never happened. I swear, Joe, he does this again, and you'll be the one doing the fucking kissing."

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depends on the person you ask, Pete decided that not being kissed by Ashlee wasn't a bad idea and that being kissed by Patrick was kind of nice. Ashlee decided that she'd rather not be the princess in Pete's life and Patrick decided that if his kisses kept Pete from being turned into an Eastern Green Toad again, he could do it along with all his other Pete-based responsibilities.

And fortunately, they lived kind of happily ever after.

 _fin_


End file.
